Friday, April 4, 2014

Let's Get Back Into Shape!

Yesterday opened my eyes to how I have been living my life. It became apparent that I have been living a fear lead cautious life since my blood clot. Not for nothing though. It's been about 3 1/2 years since my clot and certainly I had hoped I wouldn't have any permanent damage from it, but I do. I have scaring in my vein that causes very poor circulation in my leg. And also from the clot, I accumulated a large amount of varicose veins in my other leg, which also hinder circulation. Doctors told me that from my condition high impact exercise should be avoided, and so I didn't do it. Even walking was difficult because of the poor circulation. My poor legs would tire out quickly from un-oxygenated blood starving my muscles.

I gained a hefty amount of weight in these last 3 1/2 years, which has added to the problem. So I have decided to get myself back into shape. I played soccer last night on Amberly's team, which was great fun even though I'm not very good. But 5 minutes into the game my legs felt like they weighed a million pounds and I felt like I would black out at any moment. Thank goodness there were enough girls to switch out when one needed a rest. Then I realized that was the most physical activity I had since Atreyu was born aside from walking around the neighborhood. Sad right?! I've been wanting to protect myself from injury, making my condition worse, or fear of trying to work out and get too tired. I wanted to get a bike about a year ago, but didn't cause I was afraid I'd bike too far and get too tired to get myself back home. By the end of the game I had a hard time lifting my legs. I was soooo worn out. It's hard having to switch direction instantly, or have a burst of speed to catch up to the ball.  I can get there though.

Rightfully so my doctor was nervous about me participating in soccer. It's demanding physically, and I could easily get hurt. I survived my first game without any problems though. Andy did come to watch, just to make sure I didn't get hit in the head with the ball, lol. But I am determined to shed this weight and live a more normal life. I don't want to be heavy any more. I don't want to be so out of shape I feel like blacking out after 5 minutes of exercise. I want to be able to run around with my son without getting tired, I want to like how I look in anything I want to wear. I don't want to be self conscious about what my husbands friends and co workers think about me (for some reason I think it reflects on him, and don't want him teased about having a fat wife).

I am determined to live in front of my condition and weaknesses. I don't want to always hide behind it, cowering in fear of the "What if" situations. I'm not saying I'm going to take up kick boxing, but there certainly are things in life I am missing out on because I have deemed it too risky. I have certainly come to terms with and accepted my mortality, and understand what my limitations are. But what fun will my life be, if I don't take any risks at all? I don't want my life to be full of memories of watching from the side lines.

I bought a stationary bike to help get me back into shape, and hopefully help my legs. I found out there is a new therapy out there to help people like me, with poor circulation. My doctor and I are trying what we can to get my insurance to approve me going. And HOPEFULLY get my varicose veins removed. In any case, I'm not going to let my condition determine what I can and cannot do anymore (within reason of course).

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Why does every one have to be pregnant at the same time?!

So here's the thing. I can't have more anymore kids. Despite my ultimate desire to be pregnant again, and have another baby, it's just not in my future.

After having my blood clot, i had to have my tubes tied, because getting pregnant can cause a lot of complications to my health. At first, Andy and I wanted 2 kids. My pregnancy was hard and I only got to really enjoy 2 months of it. Labor was hard, and the complications with my health directly after swayed Andy and I to commit to having just one.

Now that Atreyu is older (almost 4!), I have that insane baby itch. But, it's also kinda a blow to me, unable to have kids... That's what being a woman is about right?! Lately, a ton of my friends are getting pregnant. It's bittersweet for me. On one hand i think: Good for them! She's such a cute pregnant lady! On the other hand I'm jealous and yeah, a little bit bitter. I find myself thinking : Thanks for rubbing it in my face. I know my pregnant friends aren't doing that, but all the pictures of the adorable baby bumps, ultrasounds, and beautiful pictures of your newborns stab at my desire to have a baby.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family dynamic, more than anything. The three of us are perfect together. Mommy and Daddy on the sides of the couch and Atreyu sprawled in between us. He gets our full attention, no competition with other kids, we're financially able to provide everything he may need or want. I also worry about him being an only child. He seems to be lonely sometimes, wanting some one to play on his level. We do do that with him, but our bodies are old, and can only crawl on the floor for a limited time. I'm sure starting school will help with that though.

Anyways, I'm rambling.... I really am happy for my pregnant friends. Congrats to you guys. But for the sake of my happiness, I'll probably not comment a whole lot on your pictures, or posts about being pregnant. It's nothing personal, honestly.